About a month before Christmas I think I kind of broke slightly. The stress of my job and the looming changes and responsibility ahead of me led to a now or never moment.
It was interesting in that as much as I tried to push away the overwhelming feelings associated with work, I found I was using my co-workers and friends as an outlet to unload on a daily basis. And whilst we always get told that’s exactly what friends are for, it was a co-workers passive aggressive response to my stress relieving bitching that kinda threw up a mirror to what I was unwittingly projecting.
She was under just as much work related stress as I, yet she was attempting to project as much positivity into her day regardless of the struggle. I on the other hand responded with a rather witty and bitchy retort to show my feelings about the situation at hand. We were polar opposites in our responses and my complete negativity was apparently dragging her down. My initial response was not great, a touch of confusion with a mental fuck you. On one hand at work she was very involved in this verbal bitching about our situation, however her attitude on social media was very different. To encourage a reaction in one environment and lash out at the same response in another format is a contradiction you don’t expect, and in my case led to a little self-reflection.
I had let so much negativity into my life due to my inability to deal with work place pressures that everything that came out of my mouth and ran around inside my head was negative. To a toxic level. The views I had of people, my job, my environment, my ability, my self-worth – absolutely everything was viewed from an incredibly negative standpoint. I had no faith in myself or my situation. I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, I couldn’t see good things coming around the corner, I couldn’t see a way out at all. And I hated that I had become such a negative person.
I made my mind up that week to quit, I wrote out my resignation and handed it in the following Monday. I had to see out my two weeks notice but the decision had been made. I had thought at that point that I would feel a huge weight off my shoulders, but I didn’t. I still struggled through those last weeks. I was beginning to really understand the impact all this had on me.
Nearly two months have passed since I resigned and whilst I have thankfully lost the stress I was dealing with, the underlying side effects of my constant negative and stress filled two-year period are surfacing every time I seem to tackle an obstacle. A lot of health issues are surfacing, I still struggle to get through each day in a positive way, I seem stuck on auto pilot. At least emotionally speaking. I lack motivation severely and I find that frustrating and defeating.
I think I need to find a way to add positivity to my day, everyday. I think some serious research into meditation or maybe some hypnotherapy apps? Taking active steps to try some new things is a must at this point I guess. Simply leaving my job was not quite enough it seems.
If anyone has a recommendation or links for ways to instill positivity into a negative mind/space I would love to check some out. Please feel free to leave me some direction or advice.
I Still Got Time 